Wednesday, July 06, 2005

For someone who can only focus on one thing at a time, I'm looking at this year at it's halfway point and thinking I've overloaded my capacity to handle all my expectations. My year so far is littered with a pile of things I've started but I'm having difficulty seeing how to gather up all the loose ends and draw them to a satisfying conclusion. Some things I haven't even started yet, even though I might have intended to from as early as the beginning of the year. 'Yes,' is a dangerous word that one should use sparingly for best results.

Let's not get into comparing whose to-do list is longer. That's not the point. It's sufficiently frustrating when even a few things are demanding such attention that you don't know which to give your attention to first and as a result you shut down and not do anything at all. It's the paralysis of a deer caught in headlights: watching impending disaster approach takes priority over firing the right synapses to empower the right muscles that work together to jolt one out of harm's way.

Where is all this negative energy coming from? Maybe I'm just having a bad day, I'm tense and not trusting of the society around me. Maybe it's the 9 demerit points for lousy driving I got slapped with for being in the wrong place at the wrong time; while other reckless, aggressive drivers appear to go unpunished (I've sent an appeal letter, BTW, as advised by the Traffic Police FAQ website -- see how, lor). Maybe it's how some ideas I have that look good in theory turn out a far cry from what I wanted in practice. Guess it's an accumulation of things that need venting every now and then.

If I could begin this year all over again, I wonder which non-consequentials on my current list I should've said, "no," to and thus have been a happier boy today?

Meantime, my toilet's all torn up and stripped bare. I've got bags of cement stacked outside my front door and bathroom tiles piled within. A new bowl is waiting to be installed once the waterproofing layer gets laid tomorrow. And no air-con for 3 days until the renovation is complete. I'm hot, sticky and smelly, and will probably remain so for the duration. Could this be another source of my ill-temper? Bah!

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